I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
