I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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