Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.