like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
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FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.