I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends