so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae