did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
