I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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