Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
