Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
