Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
