So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
