just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
