you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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