Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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