You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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