Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
