found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
