does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
