I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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