Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
