And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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