he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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