he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
