Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
