the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
