I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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