I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize