Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
