Your tits are I can't wait for
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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