you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
