got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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