I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
