apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The beer is more important than you right now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
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Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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