i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
