i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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