I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
