maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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