yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
