wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
