Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
