I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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