I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
