Don't make out with my wife yet
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
