Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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