lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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