Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
