During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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