You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
