nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
