dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
