Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
