he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
