Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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