I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
