Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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