I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
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Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.