put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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