Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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