I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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