You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
