i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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