I am puke
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
